Chapter 11 Post 3

Chapter 11 made me realize that I often play the mediator in my household. I have a sister that is 10 years younger than I am and my parents are older than most parents with 10 year olds, so there is occasionally some uncertainty on whats in right now, and whats not, especially in the fashion world. Very often my parents and my sister don’t see eye to eye on things. The book talks about the mediator helping to restate the parties comments in a less offensive manner (Pg. 204), which I didn’t realize it, but after I read this quote I realized that when my sister and my parents fight I often play the mediator. For example, what my sister likes to wear isn’t exactly what my mom would like her to wear. So my mom, not realizing it puts my sister down when she wears certain things, like saying “I don’t like that, it doesn’t look right” but in my sisters eyes she is just expressing herself. So being the older sibling I express to my mom that she needs to talk to my sister, not AT my sister in order to get her voice heard and she has to do it in a way that she isn’t being disrespectful. And on the same hand my sister needs to compromise a little and hear what my mom has to say. So, I think in this particular instance, finding a common ground is very important and I was able to help reframe the conversation so it was a productive form of communication and not just a bunch of yelling back and forth. 

Comm. majors being good mediators

A mediator is a neutral third party who has no decision-making power regarding the outcome of the mediation (Pg. 197).Communication majors would make good mediators because all of the effective behaviors that a good mediator requires are things that a communication major studies, for example, how to be a good listener, and be open-minded. Being a mediator allows you to be relationship-centered and all of the good qualities that a good communicator has. Psychotherapists wouldn’t make good mediators because as the book states, “Mediators must resist he temptation to solve the disputants problem” and a psychotherapists are meant to help solve others issues. This is the same reason lawyers wouldn’t make a good mediator as well as, lawyers aren’t willing to find a common ground, they are more assertive in the “ I win you, lose” aspect. Lawyers fight for their clients to be innocent. Overall, communication major learn how to be effective in communication and are all about compromising and finding a common goal, which is part of being a good mediator.

Chapter 3- Question 3(repost due to timing error)

I really enjoyed this chapter because it made me analyze how I approach my problems in all different environments; work, friendships, relationships etc. It has taught me that I need to not be so nonassertive in the work environment, because I feel that shows weakness, and not good leadership qualities.  There is a part in the chapter talking about collaborating as using intergrative behaviors and developing mututally satisfying agrrements to solve the problem(page 56). I thought about this in my relationship with my boyfriend, because we don’t agree on everything but one thing we are good at is teamwork. We are both working towards the same ends, which is to solve the conflict at hand. So, yelling, not compromising only creates bigger communication issues down the road. Overall, this chapter taught me the different approaches to communication and I think good communication is all about compromising and collobrating. 

Abusive parenting

The book talks about verbal aggressive communication being a persons way of attacking the self-concept of another person in order to cause psycholical pain for the other(Pg. 52). This is where I think the line is drawn and this becomes abusive. By verbally attacking your child you are simply making them fear you, which doesn’t allow for good communication between the parents and the child. When you are pushing your child you are causing physical damage. However, causing mental damage, by verbally attacking someone can be just as a damaging to a child’s self esteem. I think that disciplining a child involves teaching them a lesson, but you still want them to respect you. I think that people overstep their paternal authority when they want to cause physical pain to their child, or they are just attacking their child and putting their child down. Parents that are abusive are more than likely causing their child to become more violent and most of the time when parents are abusive they aren’t listening to their child, which makes children feel like they aren’t wanted. Down the road I think parents that are abusive cause communication issues for their children and increase their children’s odds of repeating their parents abusive ways. 

Question 1- Orientations

            When I was younger I would say that I was more non-assertive and self centered because I was more concerned with my self interests rather than other people in my life.  Now I feel that I am more relationship centered, I am more willing to compromise, and accept responsibility. I find myself taking communication considerations very often. Meaning, factors that influence the choice of ones approach (Abigail & Cahn, 54).

            At times I find myself being non-assertive- with certain issues in my life I don’t like talking about. I avoid the issue and the conflict, so just give in and have the attitude you win I lose, so I don’t have to deal with the issue. I feel that by being non assertive it is creating a bigger issue. On page 48, the book talks about the person who is giving in is actually loosing, because “he or she continues to be unaware that he or she has caused problems for others”.

            I think that being relationship centered is more beneficial because you are allowing yourself to grow into a stronger communicator as well as developing your communication skills with the relationships around you. 

Question 2- Non process view of communication

        I tend to avoid conflict in all of my relationships. If conflict arises, I usually shut down, because I feel uncomfortable. The book talks about one of the processes being unchanging. And I would like to say that I am one to give people second chances, and hope that they could change their life, especially if going down the wrong path. The book also brings up an interesting point on page 21, about “failing to see conflict as a process explains why some people are not interested in learning how to manage it”. I think that a lot of people, including myself act this way.

       I can change my ways in multiple ways. I need to learn that people can change. People tend to make mistakes, that is how you learn, making mistakes could lead to conflict but that in-turn could lead to resolutions that help relationships and help make people stronger. I also need to learn how important communication is, not just on my end, but listening and taking in others emotions, and/or opinions as part of my communication skill.

Question 3- Discussion

I thought the topic on Conflict being necessary for our growth in our relationships was interesting. At first, I thought this idea was crazy. However, I thought about my own life and how conflict has helped me develop and thought about my old job. I was a manager at Bare Escentuals, and there was constantly conflict with customers, employees, time management etc. While in the moment this was all stressful it helped me grow as a person, because I was able to solve this issues better each time a new issue arrived. I saw conflict as a challenge, which was the books way of looking at conflict, through a positive view. I like how the book talked about conflict as a way to improve our communication skils. On page 16, it states that, “communication isn’t something we do to the other person, but something we do with one another(like teamwork)”. We have to communicate in conflict situations in order to resolve our issues. Thus, conflict makes our communication skills better, by reaching a common goal with one another.