Chapter 4- post 3

After reading chapter 4, I couldn’t help but think of my boyfriends flaws in communicating. While I love my boyfriend to pieces, nobody is perfect so am going to use him as my example for this discussion.

          I wanted him to read chapter 4. He is just like me and when we talk, especially serious talks he doesn’t always let the other person finish what they are saying before he passes his judgment on the issue or what not. Part of the S-TLC that I really related to was the STOP step. As our professor talks about on the blog, when the book talks about “stop” it simply means to take a time out, analyze the conversation rationally and consider all the options. A lot of people (like my boyfriend) take things personal, rather than seeing the other persons goals, and considering their conflicting parties. I think this is why sometimes I prefer to write a letter to someone, because I feel I can say everything on my mind, without getting interrupted. I have always found this to be helpful, but I like face to face interaction for multiple reasons, one of which, is that the person you are talking to can see your emotions and that can make the topic seem more serious, and more important to you. 

Being a good listener

Listening is described on page 73 as being open to the other persons view and willingness to suspend judgment during the discussion, and patience to hear the other out. I think this is one of my biggest struggles as a communicator. I will sit their and it will seem like I am listening, but I don’t always take it all in. I get distracted very easily. When it is something of importance to a friend, yes I am 100% paying attention but when a friend is just chatting about non-sense, sometimes I catch myself being physically apart of the conversation but not mentally. I am also not a very patient listener. I always want to get my ideas, comments or concerns out right away when someone is talking instead of waiting till the end of their story. I am aware this is an issue for me so I try not to have things around me that could distract me, such as my phone, or objects that I could play with. I think when someone is talking I don’t suspened my judgement, I want to say what is on my mind and it is definitely something I need to work on as a communicator. Being a good listener is a huge role in any conversation. 

Stopping Conflict

I used to really struggle with stopping and approaching conflict. The S-TLC(Stop, Think, Listen, Communicate) made me realize that I still struggle with stopping conflict. I don’t like confrontation, simply because I fear I will hurt someone’s feelings or I don’t want to say something I will later regret.

         I think many people struggle with the S-TLC system, because in the heat of the moment people don’t listen, or think they usually just react and say the first thing that comes to mind. So, I think people that do struggle with not being able to respond automatically and stop conflict, I think that they need to just listen to and I always take a deep breath before I respond and I usually go “3,2,1, 1,2,3. I know it sounds silly but it helps me get through situations when I want to scream at someone.

 I think it is always important in conflict, to think and consider where the other person is coming from. On page 69 the S-TLC system talks about thinking, and try not to take the conflict personally. I think that is key when conflict is occurring, because people tend to say things out of anger, so it is important to not take the conflict personal. 

Chapter 11- Post 2

My boyfriend has been looking to buy a car recently, and we have dealt with a lot of car salesmen. So I am going to use the example of making a big purchase such as a car to show a non-interpersonal conflict. When the car salesmen fractionates the purchase and breaks it all down explaining to you what you are getting for your money, it makes you feel like your making less of an impulse buy. You want to know why this car is better then all the other cars on the market so, the Salesmen breaks it all down for you and explains what your getting for your value. Then you want to both reach a common ground on pricing so you tend to go back and forth and compromise till you find a common ground. I tend to think of these terms only in a interpersonal communication aspect, but breaking down these terms into non-interpersonal conflicts makes me realize that on a daily basis I have many conversations that involve reframing, common ground, frantionation and framing. 

Chapter 11 Post 3

Chapter 11 made me realize that I often play the mediator in my household. I have a sister that is 10 years younger than I am and my parents are older than most parents with 10 year olds, so there is occasionally some uncertainty on whats in right now, and whats not, especially in the fashion world. Very often my parents and my sister don’t see eye to eye on things. The book talks about the mediator helping to restate the parties comments in a less offensive manner (Pg. 204), which I didn’t realize it, but after I read this quote I realized that when my sister and my parents fight I often play the mediator. For example, what my sister likes to wear isn’t exactly what my mom would like her to wear. So my mom, not realizing it puts my sister down when she wears certain things, like saying “I don’t like that, it doesn’t look right” but in my sisters eyes she is just expressing herself. So being the older sibling I express to my mom that she needs to talk to my sister, not AT my sister in order to get her voice heard and she has to do it in a way that she isn’t being disrespectful. And on the same hand my sister needs to compromise a little and hear what my mom has to say. So, I think in this particular instance, finding a common ground is very important and I was able to help reframe the conversation so it was a productive form of communication and not just a bunch of yelling back and forth. 

Comm. majors being good mediators

A mediator is a neutral third party who has no decision-making power regarding the outcome of the mediation (Pg. 197).Communication majors would make good mediators because all of the effective behaviors that a good mediator requires are things that a communication major studies, for example, how to be a good listener, and be open-minded. Being a mediator allows you to be relationship-centered and all of the good qualities that a good communicator has. Psychotherapists wouldn’t make good mediators because as the book states, “Mediators must resist he temptation to solve the disputants problem” and a psychotherapists are meant to help solve others issues. This is the same reason lawyers wouldn’t make a good mediator as well as, lawyers aren’t willing to find a common ground, they are more assertive in the “ I win you, lose” aspect. Lawyers fight for their clients to be innocent. Overall, communication major learn how to be effective in communication and are all about compromising and finding a common goal, which is part of being a good mediator.

Chapter 3- Question 3(repost due to timing error)

I really enjoyed this chapter because it made me analyze how I approach my problems in all different environments; work, friendships, relationships etc. It has taught me that I need to not be so nonassertive in the work environment, because I feel that shows weakness, and not good leadership qualities.  There is a part in the chapter talking about collaborating as using intergrative behaviors and developing mututally satisfying agrrements to solve the problem(page 56). I thought about this in my relationship with my boyfriend, because we don’t agree on everything but one thing we are good at is teamwork. We are both working towards the same ends, which is to solve the conflict at hand. So, yelling, not compromising only creates bigger communication issues down the road. Overall, this chapter taught me the different approaches to communication and I think good communication is all about compromising and collobrating. 

Abusive parenting

The book talks about verbal aggressive communication being a persons way of attacking the self-concept of another person in order to cause psycholical pain for the other(Pg. 52). This is where I think the line is drawn and this becomes abusive. By verbally attacking your child you are simply making them fear you, which doesn’t allow for good communication between the parents and the child. When you are pushing your child you are causing physical damage. However, causing mental damage, by verbally attacking someone can be just as a damaging to a child’s self esteem. I think that disciplining a child involves teaching them a lesson, but you still want them to respect you. I think that people overstep their paternal authority when they want to cause physical pain to their child, or they are just attacking their child and putting their child down. Parents that are abusive are more than likely causing their child to become more violent and most of the time when parents are abusive they aren’t listening to their child, which makes children feel like they aren’t wanted. Down the road I think parents that are abusive cause communication issues for their children and increase their children’s odds of repeating their parents abusive ways. 

Question 1- Orientations

            When I was younger I would say that I was more non-assertive and self centered because I was more concerned with my self interests rather than other people in my life.  Now I feel that I am more relationship centered, I am more willing to compromise, and accept responsibility. I find myself taking communication considerations very often. Meaning, factors that influence the choice of ones approach (Abigail & Cahn, 54).

            At times I find myself being non-assertive- with certain issues in my life I don’t like talking about. I avoid the issue and the conflict, so just give in and have the attitude you win I lose, so I don’t have to deal with the issue. I feel that by being non assertive it is creating a bigger issue. On page 48, the book talks about the person who is giving in is actually loosing, because “he or she continues to be unaware that he or she has caused problems for others”.

            I think that being relationship centered is more beneficial because you are allowing yourself to grow into a stronger communicator as well as developing your communication skills with the relationships around you.